Christmas Time

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year .. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy warehouse. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

Pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Phone Sex

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New Pole

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, “I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight.”

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, “That pole is worth $45.” She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, “This pole is worth $55.” she decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, “This pole is our best and it is $70.” she told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn’t matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, “It all comes up to $80.”

Confused the lady says to him, “But you said the fishing pole was only $70.”

He said, “It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call.”

Mix Up

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist’s advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

“What’s up doc?” he asked nervously.

“Uh, well……there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admitted his surgeon. “I’m afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasped the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, I’m sure you will, reassured the doctor, “only it’ll be somebody else’s.”

Hot Senior

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Checkout Surprise

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

Arthritis

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they’d taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

“I love to be licked down below!” came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

“Any wrong?” asked the women.

“Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there” said the man.

“Oh” said the women. “That must be my arthritis”

“In your Vagina?” enquired the man.

“No”answered the women. “The arthritis in my shoulder! I can’t wipe my arse!!!”

Gunbelt and Boots

One day the sheriff sees Billy-bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.

The sheriff says “Billy-bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy-bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!”

Sheriff says that he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-bob should tell the story.

Billy-bob continues “Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.

Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same

Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said “Billy-bob, go to town”

Ron’s Advice

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I’m ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won’t hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she’s vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I’m trying to watch ‘Match of the Day’, but I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. Tomorrow she’s putting a wardrobe together from MFI but I keep telling her she’s using the wrong type of screwdriver which means it will take her longer and my tea will be even more delayed.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his bottom with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

Oldie’s Lament

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

Problem Animal

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Johnny’s Problem

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”

Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”

“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

The teacher went to the back of the room again, and he had his d*ck haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”

Then Johnny said, “The nurse phoned my Mom and Mom told me if I can stick it out until noon, she’d come and pick me up.”

Problems of Age

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” ask the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine!”

Johnny’s Arithmetic

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

LITTLE JOHNNY: One dollar.

TEACHER (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

LITTLE JOHNNY (sadly): You don’t know my father.

Paddy’s Day Out

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender, says “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy. You’ve ‘ad enough lad”.
Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way den.”
Paddy spins around on his stool and falls flat on his face. “Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite !” he cries.
He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.
He falls flat on his face.
“Bejesus . . I’m fockin’ focked,” says he.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way.”
But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “If I can just make it to the bed oi’ll be OK.”
Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says “Fock this, I gotta stop drinking,” and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says, “Get this inter yer Paddy, you’ll feel better. I heard you had you had a bit to drink last night ?”
Paddy says, “I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin’ pissed, but how did you know ?”
“Mick the bartender just called… You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

Johnny’s English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’

Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’

Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’

Little Johnny says, ‘No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob”.

Latest Watch

A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” she asked.
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

Johnny’s Heaven

One day Little Johnny’s Mom was exasperated with her young son’s antics. She, snapped at him saying: “How do you ever expect to get into heaven?”

“Well,” fidgeted Little Johnny after some thought. “I’ll run in and out, and keep slamming the door till they say ‘Come in or stay out!’ and then I’ll go in.”

A Dog’s Life

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
“Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines you know one of their nicknames is “The Devil Dogs”. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar . He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!”