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An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to any employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the postal act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an application contact status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long talk regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship, since so far it had been a proper and platonic relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ , he asked, rather tentatively.
‘I would like it infrequently’, she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, took a deep breath, smiled, leaned over towards her and whispered,
‘Is that one word or two?’
An elderly couple, Sally and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Sally looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Sally, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Sally looked up and exclaimed, ” Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!!”
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, SALLY ?
“Nope”, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’”
Without changing her expression, Sally replied, “Shoulda bought a hat Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
Leroy goes to the Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.
After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replies: “Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.”
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t till next Wednesday.”
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the monks until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all the other bells started to ring.
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay.”
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis &Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Â Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly and asked. “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets for two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”
The farmer said, “Goodness, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
Dorothy: ‘That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.’
Edna: ‘Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner… A marvellous dinner… Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!’
Dorothy: ‘Goodness gracious!… So you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?’
Edna: ‘No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.’
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch late Friday night.
Saturday morning Lawrence was charged at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’, he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
‘I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?
‘He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then he looked me straight in the face and said…
‘A pumpkin? Damn… is it midnight already?’
This was in the Washington Post… the title of the article was ‘Best Come Back Line Ever.’
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in.
I walked in barely awake. She turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’
My eyes lit up. I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be a great day.’
I embraced her and gave her my all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’
She replied, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’
Women are so mean.