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Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.
‘I’m sorry Paddy’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’
‘That’s alright’ said Paddy. ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’
‘Just 3 Questions’ said St Peter.
‘Which are?’ asked Paddy. ‘
The first’ said St Peter, ‘ Is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?
Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you. I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’
So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
“Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
“I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back!”
“Have a good day, Sir”, said the policeman.
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
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Three retirees, each with hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
‘Windy, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’
And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’
A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other.
So, they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
‘What happened?’ she asks.
‘I’ve never been with a woman’ he says, ‘But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!’
At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
‘Do you want to go up or down?’
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
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An instructor was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate liquid stage. He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a windshield to form ice.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting “dry ice” as the answer.
One of the students blurted out, “Burritos.”
Paddy was having some problems with lovemaking, so he went to see the doctor. The doctor told him: “Paddy, you need to get in shape. I want you to walk 3 miles a day for the next two weeks.”
After two weeks Paddy called the doctor to tell him that he had done what he was told. The doctor asked him: “Well, Paddy, I’ll bet your lovemaking problems are over.”
Paddy said “How would I know – I’m over 40 miles from home.”