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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as humans. What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a freebie.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks. “The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord. St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and f*cked it, and called it a c*nt.
“Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional nurse. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” Said the nurse.
“Okay then,” Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen… Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
“I’m so sorry,” said the nurse. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Fred replied.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That’s no use, Trevor “said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “London”.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
“-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes… That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser’ her husband retorts ‘and it’s half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.’
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
As one fellow I worked with in Stavanger, Norway used to say: “Don’t worry if you are nobody and nothing at work, at least at home you are number two!!”
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.