Archive for September, 2016

Gunbelt and Boots

One day the sheriff sees Billy-bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says “Billy-bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?” Billy-bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!” Sheriff says that he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-bob should […]

_________

Ron’s Advice

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let […]

_________

Oldie’s Lament

My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord From my trousers it would spring But now I’ve got a full-time job To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing The way it […]

_________

Problem Animal

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not […]

_________

Johnny’s Problem

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?” Johnny said, “It hurts down there.” “Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher. […]

_________

Problems of Age

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.” The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit […]

_________

Johnny’s Arithmetic

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? LITTLE JOHNNY: One dollar. TEACHER (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic. LITTLE JOHNNY (sadly): You don’t know my father.

_________

Paddy’s Day Out

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy. You’ve ‘ad enough lad”. Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way den.” Paddy spins around on his stool and falls flat on his face. “Shoite” […]

_________

Johnny’s English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’ Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’ Miss Rogers smiles and […]

_________

Latest Watch

A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I […]

_________

Johnny’s Heaven

One day Little Johnny’s Mom was exasperated with her young son’s antics. She, snapped at him saying: “How do you ever expect to get into heaven?” “Well,” fidgeted Little Johnny after some thought. “I’ll run in and out, and keep slamming the door till they say ‘Come in or stay out!’ and then I’ll go […]

_________

A Dog’s Life

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking […]

_________

Little Mike’s Lesson

Little Mike, Jonny’s cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be. One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. “You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!” Little Mike’s dad said with a smile. “If not you won’t get anything nice” […]

_________

Dave

Dave was bragging at work the other day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, how about Tom Cruise?” “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave […]

_________

Customer Service Calls

Thomas Cook Customer: “I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?”. Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”. Customer: “It was on the door to the Travel Centre”. Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours”. ———— Samsung Electronics Caller: “Can you give me the […]

_________

Typo

Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company. —— To: All Staff Subject: Copier Please, please please please please – I am begging – keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and […]

_________

Charlie Superman

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman. “Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really really hard.” So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, […]

_________

It’s a Problem!

THESE WERE SENT TO THE LOCAL COUNCIL AND ARE GENUINE COMPLAINTS! 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore. 3. It’s all the dog mess that I […]

_________

Personal Advice

Below is a letter published in a British personal advice column: I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for […]

_________

Surplus

It seems there was this British Minister of Agriculture visiting the U.S. to inspect our farming methods and he was frankly bowled over by the sheer volume of food we produce. When touring a local farm, he couldn’t help but ask the farmer “Whatever do you do with so much food?” The farmer was a […]

_________