‘Animals’ Archive

Problem Animal

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not […]

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A Dog’s Life

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking […]

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Young Missionary

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, […]

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City Girl

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, “The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow’s stall. You show him where it is.” The farmer leaves, […]

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Waiting Taxi

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the […]

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Wet Cat

A cat is walking along the river, when it sees a cocktail sausage floating in the water. It jumps in to get the sausage and gets its paws wet. The next day its walking down the river again when it sees a jumbo sausage in the river, it jumps in to get it and gets […]

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Angry Lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same […]

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Woodpeckers

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker […]

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Pet Pig

I saw my friend Pablo in the market and greeted him. I was surprised to see that he was carrying a baby pig in his arms. I asked him, “Hey, what are you doing with this pig?” Pablo replied, “Well, I found him in the park. Think he is lost. Anyway, I am going to […]

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Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a […]

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Dennis the Cat

Mr. Smith, neighbor to the Martins, found that their tomcat named Dennis was running all around the neighborhood, on footpaths, in dark alleys, on the rooftops. Mr. Smith called Mr. Martin and asked, “Is everything all right with your cat? He has been running around like crazy.” Mr. Martin replied, “Nothing to worry. Dennis has […]

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Cheeky Monkey!

A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys. A zoo attendant throws a box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share. One particular monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it. The monkey then stuck the banana […]

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Preparation

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. “May I take your order, sir?” he asked. “Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens.” The man replied. “Oh, it’s nothing too special, sir,” the waiter confided. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

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Female Company

It’s 2 in the morning and the travelling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics. “She’s got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 lbs.,” he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there’s a knock on his […]

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Surprise!

Little 10-year-old Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out, “Uncle John! Come Quick! The bull is f*cking the cow!” Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny […]

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Baby Pig

I saw my friend Pablo in the market and greeted him. I was surprised to see that he was carrying a baby pig in his arms. I asked him, “Hey, what are you doing with the pig?” Pablo replied, “Well, I found him in the park. I think he is lost. Anyway, I am going […]

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A Real Hero

Sunday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the […]

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Odd Reindeer

I was watching Little Johnny as he drew a picture of Santa Claus and his Reindeers. Johnny had a long history of all of his images being color-correct. All of the reindeer that he had drawn were various shades of brown with the exception of one. It was green. I was curious, and asked him […]

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Tracks

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first lawyer announced, “Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.” The second lawyer responded,”Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. […]

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Big Dog

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” […]

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