‘Female Chauvinism’ Archive

Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a crowded bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat. […]

_________

Eve’s Man

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the […]

_________

Adam’s Gift

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It […]

_________

Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.” The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby doctor? What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little […]

_________

What Was He?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother. 2. He liked Gospe.l 3. He didn’t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father’s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He […]

_________

Onions and Christmas Trees

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?’ The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, […]

_________

Men and Women

The Difference… Women have more imagination than men do. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find […]

_________

Men Are

Men Are Like: Floor tiles: Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Placemats: They only show up when there’s food on the table. Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Lava lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Bike helmets: Handy […]

_________

One Liners by Women

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he’s in nappies. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men – so many […]

_________

Where?

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?” She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?” From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be […]

_________

Men are like…

1. Men are like department stores… their clothes should always be half off. 2. Men are like vacations… they never seem to be long enough. 3. Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory. 4. Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. 5. […]

_________

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men are the same: 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches. […]

_________

Dog or Man

How Dogs are better than Men. Top Eleven Reasons why a Dog is better than a Man: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about […]

_________

Oldies but Goodies

Q: What’s the difference between government bonds and men? A: Bonds mature. Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. Q: What has three teeth and sixty feet? A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert. Q: What is the new O.J. web site address? […]

_________

Questions About Men

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening? A: A candlelit rugby stadium. Q: What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its […]

_________

Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.” Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, […]

_________

Cruel Things

Cruel things to say to a naked man: I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. Ahhhh, it’s cute. Why don’t we just cuddle? You know they have surgery to fix that. Make it dance. Can I paint a smiley face on it? Wow, and your feet are so big. It’s OK, we’ll work around it. Will […]

_________

Eve’s Problem

“Dear God, I have a problem.” “What is it, Eve?” “I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I’m just not happy.” “And why is that, Eve?” “Dear God, I’m lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in […]

_________

Giving Up Chocolate

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,’If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?’ ‘No, I […]

_________

He Said, She Said

He said to me: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it? I said to him: You wear pants don’t you? He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said to him: That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while […]

_________