‘Bodily Functions’ Archive

New Pole

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, “I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it […]

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Big Crush

This guy has this crush on this girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens. After some time, he decides to get her phone number […]

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New Pub

An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: #1 CHEESE-BURGER: £1.50 #2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50 #3 HAND-JOB: £10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to […]

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Rub it off

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘Willy’ in tiny letters on the black board. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word ‘Willy’ was written on the board […]

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Public Toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hello […]

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Small Dick

A bloke goes into a library and asks the librarian, “Do you have any books for men with small dicks?” She replies, “We have one. I don’t know if it’s in yet.” The guy frowns, “That’s the one…”

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No Underwear

A girl came up to me in a bar – short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a ponytail. “What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?” she breathed. “I’d say ‘neither am I’.” She raised her eyebrows. “Really? I’m wearing none because it gives men like you…” she […]

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Train Ride

Two elderly ladies were coming to the end of their train ride. “Thank goodness that’s over” said one. “Why?” enquired the other. “Because my bottom has gone to sleep” replied the first. “Yes, I know” said the other. “How could you possibly know?” enquired the first. “Well, it kept snoring” said the other.

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Little Dick

A man goes into a library and asks the librarian, “Do you have any books for dudes with little dicks?” She replies, “We have one, I don’t know if it’s in yet.” The guy frowns, “That’s the one…”

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First Monthly

One day Little Susie got her “monthly bleeding” for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, […]

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Five for a Pound

A woman in Boots sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for a pound. She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?” “Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a pound and there are no strings attached!”

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Monday Musing 23

Why is Santa Claus always smiling? Because he knows where all the bad girls live. ———— I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned… ———— I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No ‘fence. Nun taken. ———— I […]

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Squirrel

Bob is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate. As he gets closer, he sees it’s a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot […]

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Pee

“What’s the problem?” the doctor asked. I replied, “When I urinate, it smells of anything that I’ve eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat Sugar Puffs it smells of Sugar Puffs or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup, it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my piss smell like […]

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Friendly Midget

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. “Wow,” […]

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Thick Freezing Fog!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!” “Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely. “See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just […]

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The Best Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ‘napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in […]

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Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it […]

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Rest Room Philosophy

As seen in various loos… BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN LET’S ALL GET WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES. REMEMBER, IT’S NOT, “HOW HIGH ARE YOU?” IT’S “HI, HOW ARE YOU?” BEWARE OF LIMBO DANCERS […]

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I wish…

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the […]

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