The Doc sat, elbows on desk, head on hands and nodded sagely.

He reached into a drawer and pulled out a small bottle of tablets.

” Take one of these three times a day and come and see me again next week” He said with a smile.

“Oh, thenk you doctor!” she replied.

A week later, said lady duly turns up for her appointment, not looking at all pleased
“Doctor!” she said, “Those teblets were ebsolutley useless. I did exactly as you suggested only I am still parsing wind just as ferociously as before, only now they smell terrible!”

The Doc, again in his familiar pose at his desk, just nodded and said
” Well we have sorted your nose out, now let’s work on your hearing!”

“Why are you crying?” asked little Johnny.
“I’m crying because I’m bleeding,” she replied.
“Give me a look,” said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
“F*cking hell!” said little Johnny. “No wonder you’re bleeding – some bastard’s cut off your cock!”

Lucy’s mother tried everything to break the habit, but it was hopeless. She eventually told Lucy that her stomach will swell and eventually burst if she doesn’t stop.

This scared Lucy so much that she stopped the habit immediately.

A month later, Mrs. Blecker, who was expecting her first child, paid them a visit. When Lucy came in to greet her she stopped to stare at Mrs. Blecker’s tummy, then went ahead with her greeting. Mrs. Blecker noticed the hesitation and asked, “Hi, Lucy! I guess you are wondering where I’ve been, aren’t you?”

The little girl answers, “Not exactly, Mrs. Blecker, I know what you’ve been doing and you better stop it fast.”

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 63.76%.

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part.

The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow with a big towel that was having any difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, ‘And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!’

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hello mate, how are you doing?”

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn’t want to be rude, so I replied, “Not too bad, thanks.”

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. “So, what are you up to?”

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, “Just having a quick shit… How about yourself?”

The next thing I heard him say was, “Sorry, mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some c*nt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”

Johnny then explained, “Well… the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy’s wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy’s wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy’s wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy’s mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that’s where babies come from.”

The mother looked lovingly at her son, leaned over to meet him eye to eye and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not where babies come from…. That’s where jewellery comes from.”