The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning [...]
I was babysitting a boy called Simon when he went missing. When his mum came home she asked, “Where’s Si gone?” “Vietnam,” I said tongue in cheek. I realise now that there is a time and place for geography puns. ———— My mother said to me earlier, “Oh, there’s nothing more embarrassing than having guests [...]
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). The average man’s penis is twice the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. There are about one trillion bacteria on each [...]
“Ya know,” says the senior citizen, “When I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard. By the time I was 60 I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna [...]
A women was pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out. So 13 [...]
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go [...]
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted [...]
Jennifer, a manager at Asda, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the [...]
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit [...]
Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Mike said, “Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me as weel. Y’know, I’ve heard ye can [...]