‘Booze’ Archive

Paddy’s Day Out

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy. You’ve ‘ad enough lad”. Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way den.” Paddy spins around on his stool and falls flat on his face. “Shoite” […]

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Cheap Beer

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him it will cost 10 cents. After the guy finishes his beer he asks for a steak and another beer. The bartender tells him it will cost 50 cents. The guy pays and asks to thank the manager. The bartender tells […]

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Surveillance

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o’clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once […]

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Drowned

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down […]

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Halloween Spook

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at he window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old […]

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Tailgating

The two friends, Greg and Tyler, met up at the bar after work, hoisted a couple together, and decided to repair to Greg’s new house and continue their drinking there. “I haven’t laid in a supply of liquor yet,” Greg apologized. “We’ll have to stop off at the liquor store on the way.” “I’ll follow […]

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Good Service

A man came into a bar and ordered a beer. The waiter put a coaster and a beer on the table. Ten minutes later the man ordered another beer. The waiter brought him the beer and saw that the coaster had disappeared. So he fetched another one.. Ten minutes later, another beer. And again the […]

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Embarrassed Barman

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he’d look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed. “I’m sorry sir, let me buy you a drink.” He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks. “Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the […]

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Bar Disturbance

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than […]

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Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. “S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all […]

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Company Policy

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 1. It’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It […]

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Expecting Guests

The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread. “Are we expecting guests?” I asked. “No,” she replied. “Then why did you buy so much f*cking bread?”

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New Pub

An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: #1 CHEESE-BURGER: £1.50 #2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50 #3 HAND-JOB: £10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to […]

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Christmas Party

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Marilyn,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. […]

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Best Sex

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far […]

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Tough Blondes

After a really good party, a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the three women sitting next to him and says, “you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The first woman replies, “I am 240 pounds, a world kick-boxing champion and I’m actually a natural […]

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Scotch & Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, […]

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Drinking Warning

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that Warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or six. 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards. […]

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Bar Bet

There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you a bettin’ man?” The bartender replied, “Certainly! I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye.” The bartender thought about this a while […]

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Free Nuts

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. “You look great tonight!” it said, “You really look fantastic… And that aftershave is just wonderful!” The man is obviously […]

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