“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,
“I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

I got him a Fosters but he didn’t like it so I had it. Then I tried Carlsberg – no joy, so I drank that too.

Same with bitter and Guinness. I was doubling up on everything but he was happy to just have juice.

By the time we got to Jack Daniels I was too pissed to push his pram.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches… and for the spirit in which they were given!”

Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, “It’s a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable.” “That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….

“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”

“Correct.”

A third glass…

”It’s a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father.”

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing…

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…. Walked home…. And left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank!

“If I show you an amazing trick, will you give me a free drink?” “Sure” says the barman.

So the hobo takes a tiny rat from his pocket along with a tiny piano. The rat cracks his knuckles and begins to play the blues.

“Wow”, says the barman, “that’s impressive, what are you having?” The hobo says, “hold on a minute, if I show you and even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?”

The barman agrees, and the hobo pulls out a frog and sets it beside the rat. The frog begins to sing along with the rats music.

A guy at the end of the bar sees this and rushes over to the hobo. “I’ll give you £50,000 for the frog!”. “Sorry” says the hobo, “he’s not for sale”. “£100,000″ says the guy. “No, look I’m not interested.” “£500,000!” exclaims the guy. Finally the hobo agrees.

The barman, dumbfounded, says, “are you nuts? You just sold that frog for £500,000 when he’s clearly worth millions!”

“Ah” says the hobo, “you see, the frog is nothing. The rat is a ventriloquist.”

Stand proud you noble swingers of club and losers of balls.
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feels like a hybrid.