‘Children’ Archive

Christmas Time

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?” Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. […]

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Johnny’s Problem

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?” Johnny said, “It hurts down there.” “Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher. […]

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Johnny’s Arithmetic

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? LITTLE JOHNNY: One dollar. TEACHER (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic. LITTLE JOHNNY (sadly): You don’t know my father.

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Johnny’s English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’ Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’ Miss Rogers smiles and […]

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Johnny’s Heaven

One day Little Johnny’s Mom was exasperated with her young son’s antics. She, snapped at him saying: “How do you ever expect to get into heaven?” “Well,” fidgeted Little Johnny after some thought. “I’ll run in and out, and keep slamming the door till they say ‘Come in or stay out!’ and then I’ll go […]

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Little Mike’s Lesson

Little Mike, Jonny’s cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be. One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. “You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!” Little Mike’s dad said with a smile. “If not you won’t get anything nice” […]

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Charlie Superman

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman. “Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really really hard.” So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, […]

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Daughter’s Note

Dear Mum, I am writing you this note to say that I haven’t been honest to you lately. I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods. He wears biker clothes and deals in Ecstasy. I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant. […]

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School Exams

Real answers given in school exams. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists… Q: How is dew […]

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Excitement

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exciting that happened recently. Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his mom got mad because his dad got drunk. Little Johnny went to the front of the class and put a dot on the board. The teacher asked him to […]

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Little Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?” “A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked […]

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Father’s Occupation

It’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today. Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he […]

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Dirty Boy

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I?” Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?” “WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”

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Needy

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. […]

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Origin of Johnny

Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, “God sent you.” “And did God send YOU, too Mommy?” “Yes, Johnny, He did.” “And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?” Again the answer was “Yes, Johnny, He did.” Little Johnny shook his head […]

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Black Sponge

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her pubes. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, “Oh, that’s mommy’s black sponge.” A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, “Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!” […]

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Truck Driver

One day little Johnny’s neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps. She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step. She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat’s tail and move […]

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One of These

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to […]

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Cute Kids

It was little Harry’s first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Late one evening he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread beautifully in all its glory. Rushing indoors excitedly, Harry called out for his grandma. . . . “Oh, Granny, come see! Come see!” he […]

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Car Parking

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said”Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him “I’m parking my car in yours mom’s garage. Go back to bed.” Well the next day, […]

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