Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. “Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got [...]
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it [...]
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter. No other animal in the world does this. Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct Miss”, he says. “Please explain Johnny”, asks the teacher. “Well Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat [...]
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her a present. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it is now or never, he pulls into the parking lot. After a frantic search he finds a [...]
Two little kids were in a hospital and were lying next to each other. The first kid leans over and asked, “What are you in here for?” The second kid said, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about, I [...]
One day Lil’ Johnny was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling, “YOU BITCH,” “YOU BASTARD.” Being so young, Johnny had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied, “Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen”. Satisfied [...]
The Girl of His Dreams A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” [...]
Little Johnny’s mother asked Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip to a near-by farm. “Yes it was great – we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers.” “Johnny! That’s not nice. I know what the sheep horses and goats are, but what do you mean by THAT word?” “Oh, they’re the animals that give [...]
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. ‘Mommy ,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’ ‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’ ‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’ ‘Now really,’ the [...]
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?’ Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’ ‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’ Suzy replied: ‘Because when you [...]