‘Disability’ Archive

New Pole

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, “I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it […]

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Paddy’s Day Out

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy. You’ve ‘ad enough lad”. Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way den.” Paddy spins around on his stool and falls flat on his face. “Shoite” […]

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Small Head

There’s a big guy like six feet six inches tall and he has a head the size of an orange. He walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender cant resist asking so he goes, “You’re a big guy, why do you have such a small head?”. So the guy […]

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Men’s Department

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: […]

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Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.” The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby doctor? What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little […]

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Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with […]

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Julia

When Alex was appointed the new director of a mental hospital, he asked his subordinate to take him around the hospital premises for orientation. In one of the corridors, Alex saw a man in torn clothes running towards him shouting, “Julia, Julia!!” Alex asked the subordinate, “What is wrong with him?” The subordinate replied, “This […]

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Heroic Act

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom […]

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A Sadist…

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. “How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile. “Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist. “Let’s have sex with […]

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Never Been Kissed

A man was walking along the beach one day, when he happened to pass by a very lovely young woman that didn’t have any arms or legs, gently sobbing to herself… ‘Why the tears?’ he asked. She says, ‘I’m 18 years old and I’ve never been kissed.’ The man pauses for a moment, then smiles […]

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Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about […]

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Dwarf Girlfriend

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I’ve been taking the piss out of her size. So I’m going all out to make it up to her tonight. I’ve got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she […]

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Speech Impediment

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: […]

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Small Dick

A bloke goes into a library and asks the librarian, “Do you have any books for men with small dicks?” She replies, “We have one. I don’t know if it’s in yet.” The guy frowns, “That’s the one…”

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Monday Musing 63

I was woken up last night by the bulimic in the flat above me. I banged on the ceiling and shouted, “For f*ck’s sake! Keep it down, love!” ———— My mum asked me if I needed to see a doctor. She said that, judging from my bin, it seemed that I had been blowing my […]

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Monday Musing 59

I asked my girlfriend to marry me today. She said yes but refused to change her name. I wanted to call her Tracy so I didn’t have to get my tattoo removed. ———— I’ve just had a sh*t that was so big that it touched the water before breaking off. That’s pretty impressive from the […]

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Mind My Own…

How I learned to mind my own business. I was walking past a mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, “13… 13… 13.” The fence was too high to see over, but I found a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Some […]

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Bad Joke

I was sitting on a bus with a pal when he told me the following joke: “What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing.” The guy behind us leaned over and said, “I think that’s disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having […]

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Psychiatric Help

RING RING, RING RING, CLICK “Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.” If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just […]

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Miracles

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam […]

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