A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, [...]
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a [...]
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning [...]
A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???” The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you.” The doc examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem [...]
A woman stopped me in the street and asked why I was wearing sunglasses. “I’m blind,” I replied. “Oh, I see,” she said. “F*ck off, don’t rub it in.” ———— A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford. He radios for backup. “What’s the situation?” Asks the operator. “A [...]
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively [...]
What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron! ———— I just nicked a joint of beef from Asda. The security man ran after me and shouted “Hey, what you doin with that?” “Spuds, peas and Yorkshire pudding” I yelled back. ———— A little girl seeing her dad in the shower asks him what his [...]
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started… ———— My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about [...]
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so [...]
“Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional nurse. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” Said the nurse. “Okay then,” Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen… Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable [...]