‘Double Entendre’ Archive

Gunbelt and Boots

One day the sheriff sees Billy-bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says “Billy-bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?” Billy-bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!” Sheriff says that he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-bob should […]

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Typo

Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company. —— To: All Staff Subject: Copier Please, please please please please – I am begging – keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and […]

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It’s a Problem!

THESE WERE SENT TO THE LOCAL COUNCIL AND ARE GENUINE COMPLAINTS! 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore. 3. It’s all the dog mess that I […]

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Apt Signs

In a Podiatrist’s office: Time Wounds All Heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels At a Proctologist’s door: To expedite your visit, please back in. On a Plumber’s truck: We Repair What Your Husband Fixed On another Plumber’s truck: Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber! On a Church’s Billboard: 7 days […]

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Young Missionary

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, […]

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Small Head

There’s a big guy like six feet six inches tall and he has a head the size of an orange. He walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender cant resist asking so he goes, “You’re a big guy, why do you have such a small head?”. So the guy […]

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Waiting Taxi

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the […]

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Woodpeckers

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker […]

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Words 3

* Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, “You stay here, and I’ll go on a head.” * It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle – he just didn’t have the balls to do it. * What you get when you mate […]

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Words 2

* To some, marriage is a word; to others, it’s a sentence. * A thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement became a hardened criminal. * Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking. * The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to […]

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Words 1

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. * The dead batteries were given out free of charge. * When a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail. * A will is a dead giveaway. * With her marriage, she got […]

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Snippets…

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. ———— After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. ———— A mummy covered in […]

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Gay Church

A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church. So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On […]

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Here’s how they do it…

Accountants do it with Double Entry Ambulance drivers come quickly Australians do it Down Under Bach did it using the organ Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Batman does it using his Robin Bookkeepers do it for the record Bosses delegate the task to others Chess players check their Mates […]

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Popsicle

The school bell rang just as little Johnny started eating a Popsicle, and since he didn’t want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket. In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, “Eskimos.” Then teacher asked little Teresa what they […]

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Two Watt

“Have you any two-watt bulbs?” “For what?” “That’ll do. I’ll take two.” “Two what?” “I thought you didn’t have any.” “Any what?” “Yes please.”

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Not Good

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one`s mouth. Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit lightbulb in one’s mouth.” The teacher says,”That is correct, but why?” Little Johnny answers, “I don’t know, but my mom always tells […]

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Monday Musing 95

My best mate is called Tiba. Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards. ———— Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus. ———— Schizophrenia beats being alone. ———— “Got any arrows left, mate? I’m all out.” ~ Last but one of […]

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Ketchup

Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone. Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. “Mommy, It’s the minister,” he said to his mother. From the […]

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Monday Musing 94

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long. ———— A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it. ———— Warning: This movie ‘MAY’ contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn’t, don’t waste my […]

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