What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone. ———— Warning to all men: Women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships. ———— The Chinese Passport Agency consists of 1 man and a photocopier. ———— What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? The queue at [...]
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 1. The patient has no previous history of suicide. 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. 3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 4. She [...]
People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they’re embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they’re about to commit a crime. ———— I went back to a girl’s house last night. After getting naked on the sofa, she pointed to her coffee table and said, “Would you rather shag [...]
Paddy is doing some roofing for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,” I tink I will ave to go home I’ve gone all giddy and I feel sick.” Murphy: ” Ave yer got vertigo Paddy” Paddy: ” No I only [...]
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking. In the pan was one of my socks. “What are you doing?” I asked her. “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came [...]
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen, ‘What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?’ I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’ She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!’ ———— Got [...]
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many [...]
If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’ll be a mile away – and barefoot. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than [...]
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’ The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’ Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. [...]
Little Johnny’s is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along comes Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, “This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.” He walks up to Little Johnny and says, [...]