Why English is hard to learn: * We polish the Polish furniture. * He could lead if he would get the lead out. * A farm can produce produce. * The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. * The soldier decided to desert in the desert. * The present is a good [...]
Two little kids were in a hospital and were lying next to each other. The first kid leans over and asked, “What are you in here for?” The second kid said, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about, I [...]
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs. ———— A really cool guy f*cked a really hot girl. They had a lukewarm baby. ———— His philandering wife was constantly going about in the skimpiest of outfits, and Mr. Smythe had [...]
Liverpool have finally taken home a trophy after 6 years, The Carling cup. It’s a bit like being single for 6 years and bringing home Susan Boyle. ———— I am going to stop being racist because racism is a crime and crimes are for black people. ———— Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and [...]
Two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn. “Look,” he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?” The passenger, being [...]
“I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!” “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.” ———— I had phone sex last night… Had to get the morning after bill. ———— “Remember my name, you’ll be screaming it later.” Looking back, I think that was the main reason why [...]
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea. for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of [...]
DUBIOUS AMERICAN NEWSPAPER HEADLINES Some are just slips of the tongue • Grandmother of eight makes hole in one • Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing • Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers • House passes gas tax onto senate • Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan • Two convicts evade noose, [...]
I wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic…. I’d slur it. ———— I was looking up Barack Obama on Wikipedia, when I saw ‘Born August 4, 1961 (age 50)’. That must have wrecked his mum’s vagina. ———— Athletes who take drugs are stupid. Just take the drugs, run a bit slower, and no one will suspect you [...]
Paddy rings his new girlfriend’s door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says ‘This is for the flowers!’ ‘Don’t be silly,’ says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase [...]