‘Food’ Archive

Surplus

It seems there was this British Minister of Agriculture visiting the U.S. to inspect our farming methods and he was frankly bowled over by the sheer volume of food we produce. When touring a local farm, he couldn’t help but ask the farmer “Whatever do you do with so much food?” The farmer was a […]

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Pot Luck

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He, of course, tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot […]

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Cheeky Monkey!

A woman goes to a zoo, and while there was watching the monkeys. A zoo attendant throws a box of fruit into the cage and all the monkeys scurried to get their share. One particular monkey grabbed a banana and climbed up on a limb and carefully peeled it. The monkey then stuck the banana […]

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Grilled Meat

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to cook on the barbeque, the following chain of events is put into motion: 1. The woman goes to the butchers. 2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it […]

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Preparation

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. “May I take your order, sir?” he asked. “Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens.” The man replied. “Oh, it’s nothing too special, sir,” the waiter confided. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

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Bananas

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. “Have you eaten your banana yet,” Ole asked excitedly? “No,” replied Lars. “Vell, don’t touch it den,” Ole exclaimed. “I yust took vun bite […]

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Onion

On the sofa with my wife last night: Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion. Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality? Me: No… Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you’ll cry when you slice me up? Me: No… Wife: OK, OK, you’d prefer it if I was battered? Me: No… […]

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Lobsters

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three pound – live lobsters, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed. Who should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon seeing the live and […]

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Unhappy Lady

A jogger was out for his morning run, when he noticed a white-haired old woman sitting on a bench and crying uncontrollably. The jogger stopped to see what was wrong and to ask if he could do anything to help her. Still sobbing, she said to the jogger, “I have a husband at home who […]

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Snacks

An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: #1 CHEESE-BURGER: £1.50 #2 CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50 #3 HAND-JOB: £10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a […]

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Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The […]

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Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning […]

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New Cook

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, “Now be brutally honest.” She smiled, “I’m open to criticism.” I said, “They’re quite nice, you fat c*nt.”

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Chinese Restaurant

A Greek Restaurant owner teased his Chinese neighbor whenever he met him. “How much is the flied lice today?” The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and decided to avoid the Greek owner. One day the Chinese owner decides to go for elocution lessons and after three months of intense […]

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Lobster Tales

A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.” Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, “Five dollars each for lobster tails — is that correct?” “Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.” “Well,” he said, “they must be little […]

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Fire Damage

I came home from work today to see my wife standing in the garden while firemen put out the flames in our kitchen. I said to my wife, “Why didn’t you ring me?” “What could you have done?” she asked. I replied, “Well, I could have gone to the Red Lion and got a bite […]

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Heaven & Hell

When Seymour passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates. “Thou be hungry, Seymour?” sayeth God. “I could eat,” Seymour replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants […]

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Fry Bread

The old tribal chairman was on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled the scent of fry-bread wafting into his room. Aaahhhh. . . He loved fry-bread more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed … Down the […]

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Be Yourself

President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His […]

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Waiter’s Thumb

A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup. Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn’t mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb […]

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