‘Innocence’ Archive

Gunbelt and Boots

One day the sheriff sees Billy-bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says “Billy-bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?” Billy-bob replies “Well sheriff, it’s a long story!” Sheriff says that he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy-bob should […]

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Johnny’s Problem

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?” Johnny said, “It hurts down there.” “Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher. […]

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Personal Advice

Below is a letter published in a British personal advice column: I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for […]

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Excitement

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exciting that happened recently. Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his mom got mad because his dad got drunk. Little Johnny went to the front of the class and put a dot on the board. The teacher asked him to […]

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Little Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?” “A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked […]

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One of These

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to […]

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New Suit

David saw his colleague Alfred walk into the office in a brand new suit. David exclaimed, “Not bad, dude! Where did you get the suit?” Alfred smiled and replied, “Well, my wife got it for me. Pretty cool, isn’t it?” David replied, “Sure it is. Was it your anniversary?” Alfred said, “No. beats me. The […]

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Heroic Act

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom […]

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Embarrassed Barman

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he’d look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed. “I’m sorry sir, let me buy you a drink.” He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks. “Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the […]

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Alone at a Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good […]

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Jewish Bra

A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy’s in New York. He tells the saleslady, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34 B.” With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?” He repeated, “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a […]

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Johnny at Camp

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks “Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?”. His teacher replies “NO” Johnny moans and says “But my mummy lets me”. “OK then, just for tonight” the […]

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Mental Arithmetic

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, “It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What’s seventeen times nineteen?” I immediately said, “Thirty-six.” He said, “That’s not even close.” I said, “But it was quick.”

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Popsicle

The school bell rang just as little Johnny started eating a Popsicle, and since he didn’t want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket. In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, “Eskimos.” Then teacher asked little Teresa what they […]

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Blacksmith

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to have to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the […]

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Cartwheels

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five dollars!” The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she came by the five dollars. The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree.” The […]

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Stranded

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: “Hi! I am so happy to see you.” Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” Man: “It’s been […]

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Marked the Spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, “Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow.” The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, “Did you […]

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The Priest’s Wife

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to […]

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Gullible

My mate was taking the p*ss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there’d be a picture of me, He’s not such a clever f*cker as I checked and he’s totally wrong about that.

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