“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity, he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, she does and it was a long, deep, lingering and passionate kiss. After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had. That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up as a girl…”

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

A tortoise doesn’t run, does nothing…yet lives for 450 years!

And you tell me to exercise!

————

“Did I come out of mum’s tummy?” asked my son.

“Yes son.” I said. “I know it’s hard to believe but five years ago that’s where you were.”

He looked at his mother, slouched on the settee. “Dad? Are there still some people in there?”

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree fat man?”

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on
in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” the husband replied.

“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to
grant three wishes-I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last
one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. ” I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life.” “No problem-it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.
“Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish, genie?”, the husband said.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”
“35.” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies?….That’s amazing!”

One Thursday Anne says, “There’s this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold.”

Funny you should say that”, says Mary. “my Franks balls are always cold too”.

“EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH” says Nancy , “that’s disgusting. How can you both do that?”

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

What happened to you”? Ask her two friends.

“Mike hit me”. Came the reply.

” Why?” ask the girls.

“I don’t know”, says Nancy, “I was giving him the blow job like you told me to and all I said was;

‘your balls aren’t cold like Frank’s and John’s’.”

Johnny cries, “Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!”

His mother says, “You shouldn’t cry because of that. You should laugh!”

Johnny breaks out in tears and says, “But I did!”
————
“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” Johnny said to a girl.

“Say, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.

“No.”

“I’m the principal’s daughter.”

“And do you know who I am?” asked Johnny.

“No,” she replied.

“As I said” says Johnny “The principal’s a dummy!”

“Well, doc, 25 years ago…”

“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmers beautiful daughter came into my room and she asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Im sure,” I said.
“Isnt there anything I can do for you???” she wanted to know.
“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

Johnny looked up at the teacher, his eyes got very big and wide and he said, “Not even when its all f*cked up?!”

I thought…. Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, ‘Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! ‘

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me…’

I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?’
I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’
He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’

And I just sat there….

On the couch….

Naked.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘

Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’