‘Language’ Archive

Johnny’s English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’ Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny says, ‘Mas-tur-bate.’ Miss Rogers smiles and […]

_________

Little Mike’s Lesson

Little Mike, Jonny’s cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be. One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. “You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!” Little Mike’s dad said with a smile. “If not you won’t get anything nice” […]

_________

Excitement

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exciting that happened recently. Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida. Clyde said his mom got mad because his dad got drunk. Little Johnny went to the front of the class and put a dot on the board. The teacher asked him to […]

_________

Words 3

* Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, “You stay here, and I’ll go on a head.” * It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle – he just didn’t have the balls to do it. * What you get when you mate […]

_________

Words 2

* To some, marriage is a word; to others, it’s a sentence. * A thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement became a hardened criminal. * Thieves who steal corn from a garden should be charged with stalking. * The grocery store clerk said you had to go to Office Depot to […]

_________

Words 1

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. * The dead batteries were given out free of charge. * When a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail. * A will is a dead giveaway. * With her marriage, she got […]

_________

Twenty-One Things

1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. 4. I, for one, like Roman numerals. 5. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. […]

_________

Blonde Genies

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The […]

_________

Australian Poetry

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old Aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “TIMBUKTU”. First to recite his poem was the university […]

_________

New Sign

I went into my local newsagents and I saw that he had put up a big sign saying, “NO READING IN THIS SHOP” I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, “Which of these is the Dairymilk?”

_________

A Few Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body […]

_________

Perhaps

The teacher says, “Okay, class, we’re going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word ‘perhaps’ in it.” Claude says, “Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won’t give us any homework.” The teacher says, “Very good, Claude.” Mary says, “The sky is very dark … perhaps […]

_________

Interesting

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I tried […]

_________

Truisms

I know that you’re nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some four-letter words to convey its full meaning. When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you’re mooning everyone behind you. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, while others […]

_________

Puns

A good pun is it’s own reword. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading […]

_________

English

One of the big differences between American English and British English is that Americans tend to drop the letter “U” from certain words, like colour and honour. What a bnch of stpid fcking cnts.

_________

Bingo

I got fired on my first day as a bingo caller, I think some members complained of my inappropriate bingo lingo… In particular… “If there’s hair on the muff, then fair enough, 15.”

_________

Foul Language

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, ‘I would like to join this damn church.’ The astonished woman replies, ‘I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?’ ‘Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!’ “I’m […]

_________

Classic Paraprosdokians

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. 5. […]

_________

Monday Musing 78

Now that Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is the leader, it’s official: The Labour party is now run by Tom & Jerry. ———— “I’ve been a very bad girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” “Very well”, he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop. ———— Apparently, […]

_________