‘Life’ Archive

Pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of […]

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Bridge Building

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish. The man replys, “What about three?” The genie retorts ” Look pal, I’m in a hurry, I’ve been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . .” “OK, alright” the […]

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Adam’s Gift

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It […]

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Pearls

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party. “My dear,” said the first woman “Are those real pearls?” “They are,” replied the second woman. “Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them.” Smiled the first. The second responded “Yes, but for that […]

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Men and Women

NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even […]

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Modern Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the […]

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Farm Chores

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. ”Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks […]

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Cough Syrup

John was a clerk in a small chemist shop but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Peter, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he […]

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Unused Gift

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing – “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year.”

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Sexy Man

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could […]

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Monday Musing 94

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long. ———— A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it. ———— Warning: This movie ‘MAY’ contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn’t, don’t waste my […]

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Realy

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Problem with the gene pool … no lifeguard. Some days it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the straps … Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include […]

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A Few Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body […]

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Seeing Things Differently

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement. Here are some of […]

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Top Tips…

FAT party-goers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don’t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet. BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs. PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next […]

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Brain Exercises

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: “If you don’t use it, you will lose it” also applies to the brain. Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take […]

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Life’s Idiosyncrasies

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” 4. I don’t do drugs anymore. I get the same […]

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Grown-Up Riddles

Q. What’s a mixed feeling? A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What’s the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and […]

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Christmas Party

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Marilyn,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. […]

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Old School Friend

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend.” He said, “Why? Is she a […]

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