The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out the fookin candle.’

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Get in line.”

So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, performed oral sex on her, screwed her, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.

Turned out we don’t watch the same movies.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are totally not equipped for these kinds of contests.

‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?’

His new bride said:
‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.’
————
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!”

‘Oh Yeah?’ she replies. ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!’
————
A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

The husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no damned good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’
————
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, in fact, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, ‘Mother of Six’?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s rudeness and lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, ‘Father of Four’.”

“I’ve got a picture of my wife on the desk at work,” I replied.
————
I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual.

“Stop!” I said. “Don’t even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You’re moving in with Bob.”

“How could you do such a terrible thing?” she whined.

“Wasn’t easy,” I said. “I don’t normally fold with four aces.”
————
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.

“What? That fat ugly f*cker I see every morning outside your house?”

“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.

“Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?”

His mom replies “It is because it is the happiest day of her life”.

The little boy thinks about this and then says “Well then why does the man wear black?”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about, mister!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a f*cking sentence without being interrupted.”

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“I can’t believe it!!!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?”