‘Media’ Archive

Problem Animal

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not […]

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Apt Signs

In a Podiatrist’s office: Time Wounds All Heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels At a Proctologist’s door: To expedite your visit, please back in. On a Plumber’s truck: We Repair What Your Husband Fixed On another Plumber’s truck: Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber! On a Church’s Billboard: 7 days […]

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Ghosts

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the house at the edge of town. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, clanking chains and moaning. “I mean no harm; I just want your photograph,” the […]

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B.B.

There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King. As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King. Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite […]

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Letter to the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, […]

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Oldest Person

My wife just saw a news article ‘World’s oldest person dies at 114’ “Wow!” she said “…the way medicine and science is going, I bet we have people reaching 150 years old within the next ten years!” Stupid bitch.

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Classic Paraprosdokians

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. 5. […]

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Headlines

Newspaper headlines from Friday, June 26th 2009 The Guardian; ‘Singer Michael Jackson, 50, Dies Following Cardiac Arrest’ The Independent; ‘Motown Legend Jackson Succumbs To Myocardial Infarction, Aged 50’ The Daily Star; ‘WACKO JACKO HEART ATTACKO!’

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Movies

I saw a lovely girl in the park. I went up to her and asked, “Do you like movies?” “Not really,” she huffed. “That’s a pity”, I said, “Because you’re about to experience strong language, extreme violence and scenes of a sexual nature.”

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Compensation

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

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Travel Advice

A quick travel tip for anyone planning an overseas trip this Easter: Make sure your pilot is a Scouser – you’ll never catch one of those b*stards tearing up a sick note and going in to work.

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Headline Humour

– Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge – Deer Kill 17,000 – Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead – Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge – New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group – Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – Kids Make Nutritious Snacks – Chef Throws His Heart into […]

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Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread. Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, “Pies, you dickhead.” Humpty Dumpty sat on a […]

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Jewish Jokes 2

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because they’re worth it. * The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. * There is a big controversy on the […]

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Jewish Jokes 1

You may or may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? I for one miss their kind of humor: * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.” * I just […]

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Viz Top Tips

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first […]

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Middle East Crisis

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi do.”

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More Bumper Sticker Humour

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way […]

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Recent Book

An extract from a recent Bills & Moon novel: (With writing like this, there is no need for pictures) “We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the […]

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Monday Musing 18

The king of Spain has abdicated. Another Juan bites the dust. ———— What’s the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger? An egg gets laid before it cracks. ———— I became a proud father today. My son is actually four but he was a boring little fart for the first three years. ———— The satellite […]

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