For an instant appreciation of how it felt to be in Japan yesterday, hold down the F11 key and then throw a bucket of water over yourself. ———— I phoned my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he could talk about was his social life. He just kept [...]
You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs. In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter…. The interview was as follows: The lady reporter: “I [...]
As a Christian I was deeply offended by a recent Top Gear where it was suggested that the new ‘Stig’ was born in Israel. The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him. [...]
I hear that Suicide is now illegal. Which is a shame as I was planning on killing myself this morning. But I don’t want to be sent to prison… ———— Police Report: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks ———— I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to [...]
Breaking News: France have surrendered to North Korea.
Prince William’s stag do is going to be very weird… Stuffing pictures of his Gran down the bras of strippers. ———— This Royal Wedding is an especially joyful occasion in my house because we actually need new tea towels. ———— Kate Middleton has said she is devastated she never got to meet Diana. Not long [...]
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld [...]
BREAKING NEWS: ‘Paul the Octopus is dead.’ Bet he didn’t see that one coming. ———— Paul the psychic octopus has died? Big deal, he isn’t the first thing to die in a tank in Germany. ———— Paul the Octopus R.I.P. In a nice garlicky sauce with some potatoes… ———— Paul the Octopus isn’t dead. They [...]
If hooking up a terrorist prisoner’s nuts to electric cables will save just one western life, then I have just three things to say; 1. Red is positive. 2. Black is negative. 3. Make sure his nuts are wet.
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “American special forces” “NO, NO THANKS, I’M OK” ———— Well it’s almost over. After 69 days of doing nothing a group of men in hard hats and high visibility jackets are getting ready to go home. The council have finally filled in the pothole at the end of my road. ———— [...]