‘Parents’ Archive

Johnny’s Arithmetic

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? LITTLE JOHNNY: One dollar. TEACHER (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic. LITTLE JOHNNY (sadly): You don’t know my father.

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Father’s Occupation

It’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today. Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he […]

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Dirty Boy

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I?” Ready to play the game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?” “WOW!” cried the child. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”

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Helpful Brother

A woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby. Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her […]

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Black Sponge

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her pubes. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, “Oh, that’s mommy’s black sponge.” A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, “Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!” […]

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Daughter’s Problem

A 19 year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months… Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a Pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the selfish bastard that did this to […]

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15 Years

A family was having dinner one evening. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. “Nothing,” said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?” “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for […]

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Two Mothers

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. “This is my oldest son Mohammed. He’s 24 years old now” “Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the […]

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Little Billy

Little Billy comes home and tearfully asked his mother, “Mum, if I liked looking at boys in their underwear, would it be wrong?” “No, of course not, my dear,” she replied, not wanting to upset him. Tearfully again he asks, “Mum, what if I liked to touch boys in private places, would that be wrong?” […]

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Stressed

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I […]

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Proud Mothers

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.” The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman […]

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Father’s Day

My wife just said, “It’s your turn next, what do you want for Father’s Day?” “A blowjob” I replied. “Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?” I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

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Three Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well-being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. […]

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Want to Marry

I said to my father: “Dad, I want to get married.” He said: “Alright son, who do you want to marry?” I said: “I’d like to marry Miss Green”. He said: “You can’t”. I said: “Why not?” He said: “She’s your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around […]

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Puberty

A girl hits puberty and starts to grow hair between her legs. She asks her mom what’s going on, to which her mom replies, “Don’t worry about that, that’s your monkey. It’s natural that your monkey will grow hair.” Later, at dinner, the girl tells her older sister, “Guess what? My monkey already started growing […]

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Train Game

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now… because this is the last stop! And all of you […]

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What’s Sex?

A young girl goes up to her father and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?” He looks at her and decides it’s time. So he tells her about the birds and the bees, masturbation, sperm, pregnancy, and STD’s. After a lengthy speech he asks her, “So what made you ask about sex?” She replies, dumbfounded, “Mommy […]

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What Meat

A man out hunting shoots a deer, which he takes home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little […]

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New Girlfriend

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she’d gone, my dad leaned over and said, “Son, I think this one’s a keeper.” “Awww dad, what makes you say that?” “She smells of elephant shit.”

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A Puncture

My new girlfriend’s car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, “Sorry Mum, I’m going to be late, my girlfriend’s got a puncture.” “Oh John!” she sighed. “I thought you had a real one this time.”

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