He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying. If he didn’t get help he’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded. I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps.

The Jew, renowned for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38FF bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”

The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.”

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me – you’re a goner anyvay!’

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. ‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’

P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.

Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an Act of God!!” An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!”

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches… and for the spirit in which they were given!”

- religion

- royalty

- sex

- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three, stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

“No, head abbot,” the first monk said, “it’s too evil for me to admit!”

“The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will not receive absolution!” said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. “I – I – I drank! And I did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, and I snorted coffee whitener….”

“Enough!” said the head abbot, enraged. “Those are evil sins, but I promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.”

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot’s instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. “What did you do last night?” demanded the head abbot.

“I can’t say! It’s much too evil!”

“The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!”

“Okay,” agreed the second monk. “I had all manner of sex. I had sex with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora, my CD player…”

“Enough!” cried the head abbot. “That is a truly great sin. But I promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.”

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

“What,” asks the head abbot, “did you do this evening?”

“No, head abbot, it’s too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!”

“The agreement, monk! You must tell me!”

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. “All right, head abbot. Last night I…I…”

“Yes?”

“I pissed in the Holy Water.”

“God? Are you really there?” Johnny said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Johnny. What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. “A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Johnny. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Johnny, getting an idea. “You’re so generous can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”. Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”