‘Religion’ Archive

Minister’s Car

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will […]

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Four Rabbis

Four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. “Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart […]

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A Big Mistake

Morris went to his rabbi for some advice. “Rabbi, tell me if it is proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes.” “No, Morris, a man should not profit from another man’s mistakes,” answered the rabbi. “Are you sure, Rabbi?” “Of course, I’m sure. In fact, I’m positive,” exclaimed the Rabbi. “Ok, Rabbi, […]

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Serenity Prayer

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they p*ssed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today […]

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What Was He?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother. 2. He liked Gospe.l 3. He didn’t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father’s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He […]

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Monday Musing 92

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night. Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running. ———— I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted “Whatever you do, don’t look down”. […]

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Billboard

A Jewish man was walking around Jerusalem when a bill board caught his eye. It read, “We would rather do business with 1000 Arabs than one single Jew!” The Jewish man stopped and asked himself what place would advertise such a racist proclamation. Then he got it… The Funeral Directors.

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Unconventional Picture

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of the Holy Family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures….the Holy Family and the manger, the Holy Family riding on the mule, etc. But she called up one little boy to […]

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Converted

A Jewish man asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.” “I don’t know,” answered the Rabbi. “Come back tomorrow, and I’ll ask advice from God.” The man comes back the next day. “I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem.”

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Life Begins…

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. “Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.” “We believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an […]

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Elavator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I […]

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Pampered Cat

A cat shows up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St Peter is on duty at the time. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.” Cat: […]

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Hidden Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your habit? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MP’s ran off, the soldier […]

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Father Jeremy

Father Jeremy decided to drop in at the home of one of his church regulars on Saturday night. As he approached the house, he heard loud music. When he rang the doorbell, it was answered by the church goer. Behind him, he saw a big group of guys not wearing any clothes. There were blindfolded […]

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Something Amazing

A black guy dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter, who says, ‘Heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing. Have you ever done anything amazing?’ The black guy says, ‘In fact I have. I f*cked the […]

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Church Bulletins

Sentences which actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a service * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. * Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please […]

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A Statue

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back […]

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Foul Language

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, ‘I would like to join this damn church.’ The astonished woman replies, ‘I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?’ ‘Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!’ “I’m […]

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Intelligent Ape

One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape. At last, the ape was found in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo […]

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The Priest’s Wife

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to […]

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