‘Sex’ Archive

Phone Sex

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Mix Up

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist’s advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed. “What’s up doc?” he asked nervously. “Uh, well……there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admitted his […]

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Arthritis

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time. Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip. The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to […]

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Oldie’s Lament

My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord From my trousers it would spring But now I’ve got a full-time job To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing The way it […]

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Car Parking

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said”Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him “I’m parking my car in yours mom’s garage. Go back to bed.” Well the next day, […]

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Not Hungry

One morning a husband and wife are having sex and the wife says ‘the Viagra is great! let me fix us a wholesome breakfast.’ The husband says ‘No, I’m not hungry after I take Viagra.’ Later that day, the wife says ‘Honey, I want to do something nice for you, let me make you a […]

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Effective Surgery

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: “Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that […]

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Cheapskate

Tyler and his wife Kallie go to Las Vegas. They get to their room and they find a card for a prostitute. Kallie cannot believe it and wants to see if the prostitute will really come. Tyler calls the number on the card and says “Can you come to Trump Hotel, room 1445?” An hour […]

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Cold Night

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, “You’ll have to wait.” “But there’s lots of girls that aren’t busy right now.” “Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.” “Listen, I’m pretty desperate. I don’t need a room.” So she takes his money and […]

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Safe Sex

I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table. “I’m proud of you son” he winked, “now tell me, did you use protection?” “You know what they say, dad” I grinned, “up the bum no babies.” “Ha ha, that’s my boy” he laughed, “what’s her name?” […]

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A Sadist…

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. “How about having sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile. “Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist. “Let’s have sex with […]

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Assignment

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass student pipes up, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?”. The class breaks up laughing, and when they […]

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Sheep Shagger

A guy is driving through the countryside. He looks over at a hill and sees a shepherd shagging a sheep in broad daylight. He yells, “Hey! Where I come from, we sheer ’em!” The shepherd, without pausing from his activities yells back “Sheer ’em? You can find yer own damn sheep!”

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Resourceful Johnny

Little Johnny was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet. “What’s this,” she […]

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Don’t Want to Know!

Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. “Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the […]

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Someone to Play With

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night and caught us having sex. “What are you doing?” she asked in shock. “Making you someone to play with,” I said. “A brother?” she asked excitingly. “No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home.”

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Monday Musing 88

BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. F*ck, how fast must they have been walking? ———— I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo. I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse. ———— I’m going to have to rethink my time machine rental business. People keep bringing […]

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Best Sex

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far […]

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Maldive Honeymoon

Troy, at the advance age of 72, got married and the marriage was the talk of the town. More so, because his bride was only 23. They checked into a beach resort in the Maldives for their honeymoon and the resort was abuzz with gossip. Next morning, Troy walks into the resort’s dining area looking […]

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