The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out the fookin candle.’

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”

So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, performed oral sex on her, screwed her, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.

Turned out we don’t watch the same movies.

“Uuuhhhh…..they…..are…..uh……..making a puppy” says Dad.

Johnny says, “OK,” and Dad is relieved he didn’t have to tell the birds and bees story yet.

The next Sunday morning, Johnny bursts into his parents bedroom while his parents are naked and Dad is on top of Mom. “What are you doing, Dad?” the boy asks. Dad thinks for a minute, then replies… “We are making a baby”

Little Johnny looks puzzled, then says “Well, shit, Dad, roll her over, I’d rather have a puppy!”

“You have been having sex with my wives,” he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable.

The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult situation explained Mendel’s laws of genetics to the wrathful black man.

“You see that herd of sheep,” he said pointing to the chief’s herd, “Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them.”

“OK! OK!” said the chief. “You keep your mouth shut and so will I.”

“I’ve got a picture of my wife on the desk at work,” I replied.
————
I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual.

“Stop!” I said. “Don’t even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You’re moving in with Bob.”

“How could you do such a terrible thing?” she whined.

“Wasn’t easy,” I said. “I don’t normally fold with four aces.”
————
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.

“What? That fat ugly f*cker I see every morning outside your house?”

“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.

“Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?”

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Euros?”

However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you’re the first …”

This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, “…but they probably weren’t vets.”

The Mother wrote back the next day, “If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father.”
————
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork,
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!