I was telling my friend earlier about my wife’s recent purchase. I said” She has gone and spent over £30,000 on a new car just because she liked the colour of it! She can’t drive it properly and she doesn’t even have a garage to keep it in.” He responded, “You think that’s stupid? My [...]
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did…. she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy. ———— I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “paedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. [...]
I pleaded with my wife to open her heart, but when she refused I had to chill my beer in the fridge just like everyone else. ———— I’ve just found out my wife has been having an affair with some black bloke. Apparently it’s because he’s ‘twice the size and thickness’ of me. Fair enough. [...]
For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have just bought metal detector. ———— My mates tell me that I’m shit at telling jokes. I always punch up the fuck line. ———— It’s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the [...]
My wife got drunk and pleasured me for the first time in years last night. She died. ———— A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men’s sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies. ———— My new alphabet car is great. It takes me from A to B. ———— I’ve always stood up [...]
I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work if you take it out of the sync region. Much like my wife. ———— You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish. ———— I have [...]
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. “I’m looking for some cheap flights,” I replied. “Oh that’s great love,” she said. “Have you found any? Let me help you look.” Strange… She usually isn’t that interested in darts. ———— My Doctor said that my heavy drinking was making me Paranoid, “So [...]
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and so on… Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that shit any more, thank God. ———— I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue [...]
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro. ———— Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer, and they’ve found out that he was HGV positive. ———— The cost of [...]
Newsflash: Police today raided Kermit’s lily pad and found dirty photos of Miss Piggy. A police spokesman said later, it was the worst case of Frogs Porn they had ever seen. ———— You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom. ———— What is it with women and periods. Everything [...]