My wife got drunk and pleasured me for the first time in years last night. She died. ———— A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men’s sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies. ———— My new alphabet car is great. It takes me from A to B. ———— I’ve always stood up [...]
I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work if you take it out of the sync region. Much like my wife. ———— You would think that, if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish. ———— I have [...]
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. “I’m looking for some cheap flights,” I replied. “Oh that’s great love,” she said. “Have you found any? Let me help you look.” Strange… She usually isn’t that interested in darts. ———— My Doctor said that my heavy drinking was making me Paranoid, “So [...]
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and so on… Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that shit any more, thank God. ———— I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue [...]
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro. ———— Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer, and they’ve found out that he was HGV positive. ———— The cost of [...]
Newsflash: Police today raided Kermit’s lily pad and found dirty photos of Miss Piggy. A police spokesman said later, it was the worst case of Frogs Porn they had ever seen. ———— You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom. ———— What is it with women and periods. Everything [...]
I bought a new vacuum cleaner the other day. It sucks. ———— “All we do is argue, we need to learn to get on,” my wife said. “So let’s try and speak the same language from now on, eh?” “Moooooooo,” I replied. ———— Life… It’s just an f in lie. ———— I asked my new [...]
I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups. But I’m not holding my breath. ———— I’ve got a friend who’s half British and half Indian. Brian. ———— I was recently introduced to a girl called Taser. She’s a little stunner. ———— Judge: `Your sentence for rape will reflect the seriousness of what you did.’ [...]
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking… And then I saw her face. ———— I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up. “When’s it due, love?” I asked. “You cheeky bastard!” she spat. “The bus, chubby,” I said. [...]
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. “Morning.” I said. “No” he replied, “just having a pee.” ———— My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 60 in about 5 seconds.’ [...]