My boss thrust a picture under my nose, “What the f*ck is this!” he asked. “Well,” I calmly replied, “It appears to be a photo of me f*cking your wife. You know that’s not real don’t you? It’s clearly been Photoshopped.” “What?” he said, relaxing slightly, “How can you tell?” “Well, your wife’s tits aren’t [...]
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.”This”, he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”. At which a [...]
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back [...]
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz. A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male [...]
Steve Jobs has handed in his resignation which read: ‘iQuit’.
Teacher; “Little Johnny, what is used as a conductor of electricity?” Little Johnny; “Why… er…” Teacher; “Wire is right. Very good. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?” Johnny; “The what?” Teacher; “That’s absolutely correct, the Watt. Now class, you should all study diligently like Johnny here”.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this [...]
Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of [...]
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun [...]
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, “What’s going on?” My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my mate and said, “Dave did VERY well.” As I walked out of [...]