A midget waddles into the library and asks, “Have you got a book on Irony?” The librarian says, “Yeah, mate, it’s on the top shelf.” ———— Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife’s job. ———— Studies show that 90% of women don’t like men in pink T-shirts. That’s ironic, [...]
An old couple were sitting in a church service when the woman whispered to the man “I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?” The man whispered back; “Well for starters, you could get a new battery for your hearing aid.” ———— Apparently washing machines live longer with Calgon? What a load [...]
As a Christian I was deeply offended by a recent Top Gear where it was suggested that the new ‘Stig’ was born in Israel. The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him. [...]
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). The average man’s penis is twice the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. There are about one trillion bacteria on each [...]
One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your [...]
In the pub quiz recently, one of the questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer. ———— I’ve heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name. ———— [...]
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. ‘Bruce, Bruce’ she yelled. Bruce came running in. ‘Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to [...]
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch. September came [...]
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. ‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is [...]
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. When the equipment arrived, his wife was out of town, so he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure [...]