“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.” “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.

“What about your father, Johnny?” Johnny proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.” The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Johnny’s house and rang the bell. Johnny’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there was some logical explanation.

Johnny’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Finally she asked little Johnny what he’d had for breakfast. To which he replied “I had f*ck all, for breakfast.” The teacher was shocked and told him he would have to stay behind at the end of the day for one hour.

A little later in the day the same teacher was giving a geography lesson and was asking the kids where the polish border was, first was little Jenny who thought it was somewhere in Africa, the teacher told her she was wrong and let little Bobby try to answer the question. He thought it was in asia, again he was wrong, so she finally ask’s little Johnny where the polish border was.

Little Johnny reply’s “the polish border is upstairs f*cking my mother, that’s why I got f*ck all for breakfast!”

The husband says, “Oh my god! What should I pack — beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The wife yells back, “It doesn’t matter… just get out!”

Dad goes up to the son’s room and asks why mom is so mad. “I told her I had sex with my teacher today,” replied Johnny. “Alright! That’s my boy!”, says Dad. “Ya know son, women just don’t think like men. But I’m proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That’s my son! Ya know what? I’m so proud of you I’m gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you’ve been wanting!”

So the dad and Johnny go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. “You gonna ride it home son?” asks Dad. Johnny replied, “Nah, my ass is still sore.”

Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover’s Swiss, the police German and it’s all organised by the Italians.

Quickly he wrote:

1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child’s immune system.

Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he’d broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.

————
I’ll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar. He said to me, “What’s that knob at the front for?”
I said, “It’s Liam, he’s the lead singer.”
————
Rainwater appears to be leaking through the roof of my aviary.
It’s really getting on my tits.
————
My wife’s really into threesomes.
Shame it’s starters, mains and desserts.
————
What’s the difference between a Lesbian in a porno and a real life one?
About 12 stone.
————
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his rear.
————
My Sister’s just told me that she and her African boyfriend are having a baby.
Apparently I was wrong to exclaim, “Well! I’ll be a monkeys’ Uncle!”
————
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
“Oh yes, quite a few”, the Librarian said.
“Sorry to hear that”, I replied. “They’ll all be ruined by now”.

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ (no peeking!)

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fir.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, “Automobiles?”

————

Little Johnny is in the toilet with his mum. She’s on the loo and he says,

“Mummy! What’s that between your legs?”

“That’s where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me,” she said.

“F*cking good shot,” says Johnny, “right up the c*nt.”