Cooper Classics 1

Tommy Cooper – Some of the Best

• I’m on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

• I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, ‘Your future looks pretty black.’ I said, ‘Are you kidding? I’ve still got my gloves on!’

• I said to the doctor, ‘It hurts when I do this’ [raises arm]. He said, ‘Well, don’t do it.’

• A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, ‘Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.’ He said, ‘An alarm clock? Does it bother him?’ She said: ‘It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.’ He said, ‘Why?’ She said: ‘Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.’

• I said to the chef, ‘Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?’ He said, ‘I’m groping for words!’

• My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!

• Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

• A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, ‘Didn’t you see the arrows?’ He said, ‘Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians.’

• Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

• I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?

• You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

• What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody’s fool!

• What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs.