Cooper Classics 2

• My wife said ‘Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet’. I said, ‘chocolate fudge’.

• Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you’re getting what’s coming to you.

• I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, ‘Which way?’

• I said to my wife, ‘I can’t eat this beef stew.’ She said, ‘Shut up! It’s custard pie!’

• Never trust an undertaker. He’ll always let you down.

• I said to the doctor, ‘Can you give me something for my liver?’ He gave me a pound of onions.

• I sleep like a baby . . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.

• There’s no end to his talent – and no beginning either.

• I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.

• I went to see my doctor and he said ‘I want you to lie down on the couch.’ I said, ‘What for?’ He said, ‘I want to sweep up.’

• I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. ‘Just a minute,’ I said, ‘It’s only got one leg. ‘It’s been in a fight.’ I said, ‘Well, bring me the winner.’

• Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, ‘Does he taste funny to you?’