Jewish Humour 1

You may or may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? I for one miss their kind of humor:

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.  This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That was only for the estimate.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.  The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”  Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”  Patient: “I AM 60!”  Doctor: “See!  What did I tell you?”

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest.  The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?  “The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”