A Few Jokes Jokes and humour from our contibutors.

A well-to-do very posh middle aged lady went to her local GP.
“Doctor” she said, (in a voice similar to that of Dora Bryan in St. Trinians) “I have a most emberresing and perculiar problem; I cannot stop parsing wind. I am doing it all the time and they seem so ferocious, but the funny thing is, they don’t smell, and you can’t hear them”.

The Doc sat, elbows on desk, head on hands and nodded sagely.

He reached into a drawer and pulled out a small bottle of tablets.

” Take one of these three times a day and come and see me again next week” He said with a smile.

“Oh, thenk you doctor!” she replied.

A week later, said lady duly turns up for her appointment, not looking at all pleased
“Doctor!” she said, “Those teblets were ebsolutley useless. I did exactly as you suggested only I am still parsing wind just as ferociously as before, only now they smell terrible!”

The Doc, again in his familiar pose at his desk, just nodded and said
” Well we have sorted your nose out, now let’s work on your hearing!”

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”

The Italian replied; “No”

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars, Kimosabe.”
“What does that tell you?” asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past twelve.
Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
“What does it tell you, Kimosabe.”

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, “Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone has stolen our tent.”

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid,’ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.’

‘I’m not going to trust you,’ says the Arab. ‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’

‘Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me – you’re a goner anyvay!’

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. ‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’

P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’

‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’

P O O F * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.

My boss thrust a picture under my nose, “What the f*ck is this!” he asked.
“Well,” I calmly replied, “It appears to be a photo of me f*cking your wife. You know that’s not real don’t you? It’s clearly been Photoshopped.”
“What?” he said, relaxing slightly, “How can you tell?”
“Well, your wife’s tits aren’t that big and they’ve airbrushed out the mole by her fanny.”

Paddy is doing some roofing for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says,” I tink I will ave to go home I’ve gone all giddy and I feel sick.”
Murphy: ” Ave yer got vertigo Paddy”
Paddy: ” No I only live round the corner”
————
Doctor: “Can I have a word with you? It’s about your test results.”
Patient: “Yeah, I have a minute.”
Doctor: “No you don’t.”
————
I’ve just bought a 3D Kindle.
Or a book as it’s commonly known.
————
I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, and I’m not letting one take me out.
————
I just can’t stand people who are intolerant.
————
Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
————
I got talking to a blonde bird in a club.
She said, “I’m from Essex.”
“Oh really!” I replied, “Which part?”
“All of me.” She replied.
————
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
————
I’ve been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

One day little Johnny was walking home from school when an old lady stopped him and said “your dog is going to die tomorrow.”
Little Johnny was slightly confused but didn’t think anything of it and carried on walking.
The next day he got a knock on the door and there was a man standing with his dog lifless in his hands “I’m sorry mate your dog just jumped right out infront of my car I didn’t have time to swerve!”
The next day little Johnny was walking home from school again when the same old lady stopped him and whispered “Your aunt Stephanie is going to die tomorrow.”
The boy again walked away confused.
That next night Johnny’s mother had got a callsaying that aunt stephanie had been hit by a train.
That next day Johnny was walking home again nervously waiting to find out who was gonna die next, so no different from the previous times the old woman whispered into his ear “Your father is going to die tomorrow.”
Johnny walked away thinking that he couldn’t bare anybody else dying so he decided to tell his dad about what the old lady said.
His dad didn’t want to seem worried but it was obvious to Johnny that he was sh*tting himself.
That next day his dad wasn’t quite the same it was like he was expecting something to happen darting his eyes from side to side looking for what will cause his untimley demise.
When he got home he said to his wife “this was the worst day of my life!”…..

His wife turned to him and said “you think you’ve had a bad day? The postman’s just had a heart attack”.

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking. In the pan was one of my socks.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,
“I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’

‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.

‘Where’, he asked.

‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, ‘Then your stance is too wide.’