A Dog’s Life

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
“Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines you know one of their nicknames is “The Devil Dogs”. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar . He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!”

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Little Mike’s Lesson

Little Mike, Jonny’s cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. “You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!” Little Mike’s dad said with a smile. “If not you won’t get anything nice”

“I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new f*cking BB gun at the foot of my f*ck*ng bed!” little Mike said.

Little Mike’s dad rolls his eyes.

“Then I want to go down stairs and see a f**k*ng toy train going around the f**k**g Christmas tree!”

“Oh yeah?” His dad says.

“Yeah then I’ll go out side and I want a f*****g new bike leaning up against the f*****g garage!”

“I wouldn’t count on it young man, not after how you just talked.”

When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog poo! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog poo. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of Dog Sh*t!

“DAMN!” Little Mike says, starting to cry.

“Well son did you learn a lesson?” Mikes dad asks.

“I don’t know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can’t f*cking find it!”

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Dave

Dave was bragging at work the other day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom’s door……..Tom shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Barack Obama spots Dave on the house tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd heading towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

“Who the f**k’s that on the balcony with Dave?”

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Customer Service Calls

Thomas Cook
Customer: “I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?”.
Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”.
Customer: “It was on the door to the Travel Centre”.
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours”.
————
Samsung Electronics
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about”.
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think you mean the telephone point on the wall”.
————
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: “Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?” Operator: ” Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?”
————
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
“If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?”
————
Directory Enquiries
Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please”.
Operator: “I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?”
Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off”.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: “Woven? Are you sure?”
Caller: “Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland”.
————
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator: “I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on”.
————
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop”.
Customer: “OK”.
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”.
Customer: “No”.
Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No”.
Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”.
Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click'”.
————
Tech Support: “OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
————
Caller: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?”.

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Typo

Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company.

——

To: All Staff
Subject: Copier

Please, please please please please – I am begging – keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!

We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.

PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks for your help.

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Charlie Superman

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

“Sure you can, Mickey,” Charlie said, “Just flap your arms really really hard.”

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, “What the hell happened?!?”

Charlie said, “I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.”

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It’s a Problem!

THESE WERE SENT TO THE LOCAL COUNCIL AND ARE GENUINE COMPLAINTS!
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s all the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

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Personal Advice

Below is a letter published in a British personal advice column:

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?

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Surplus

It seems there was this British Minister of Agriculture visiting the U.S. to inspect our farming methods and he was frankly bowled over by the sheer volume of food we produce. When touring a local farm, he couldn’t help but ask the farmer “Whatever do you do with so much food?”

The farmer was a bit of a wiseacre, so he told the Brit: “Well, we have a little saying around these parts — we eat what we can, and what we can’t, we can.”

The British Agricultural Minister professed to be quite amused at this little ditty and promised to repeat when he got home. Sure enough, when back in London to give his report, he told his audience: “Oh, I heard this simply marvelous little story when I was in America. I asked them whatever they did with so much food, and I was told they eat as much as they’re able, and the rest they put in tins!”

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Apt Signs

In a Podiatrist’s office:
Time Wounds All Heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels

At a Proctologist’s door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.

On a Plumber’s truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On another Plumber’s truck:
Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

On a Church’s Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

On an Electrician’s truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an Optometrist’s Office:
If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a Taxidermist’s window:
We really know our stuff.

On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.

In a Restaurant window:
Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In an Undertakers:
Drive carefully! We’ll wait…

At a Propane Gas Supplier:
Thank heaven for little grills.

And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION – This Truck is Full of Political Promises

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Daughter’s Note

Dear Mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven’t been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods. He wears biker clothes and deals in Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as we are both already drug addicts. We will live a life of drugs, beer and all the sex we can manage.

Wish us luck,
Katie

P.S.
I am at our neighbors house and all of the above was a lie. I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card, which is in the top drawer.

_________

Irish Wisdom

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
————
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’
————
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!’

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School Exams

Real answers given in school exams.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists…

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Excitement

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exciting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his mom got mad because his dad got drunk.

Little Johnny went to the front of the class and put a dot on the board.

The teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, “Hell if I know, but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door killed himself.”

_________

Favourite Food

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on.” So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,”darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!”

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn’t hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise — Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

_________

Young Missionary

A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side.

Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him.

Moral: Don’t try to read between the lions.

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Three Girls

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

_________

City Girl

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, “The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow’s stall. You show him where it is.”

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says, “This is the one, right here.”
The man says, “How do you know?”
Amy says, “By the nail over its stall.”
The man says, “What’s the nail for?”
Amy says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

_________

Small Head

There’s a big guy like six feet six inches tall and he has a head the size of an orange.

He walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender cant resist asking so he goes, “You’re a big guy, why do you have such a small head?”.

So the guy says, “Well I was walking down the beach one day and I saw an old lamp, I rubbed it and a female genie appeared.

She said you have one wish. So I said will you have sex with me?”

The genie said, “Sorry, genies can’t do that.”

So then I said “How about a little head?”

_________

Waiting Taxi

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

“He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cabdriver hit six trash cans and a parked car.

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