My wife came up to me with a dreamy look in her eye and asked, “Why don’t we make love like they do in the movies?”
So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, performed oral sex on her, screwed her, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.
Turned out we don’t watch the same movies.
I was telling my friend earlier about my wife’s recent purchase.
I said” She has gone and spent over £30,000 on a new car just because she liked the colour of it! She can’t drive it properly and she doesn’t even have a garage to keep it in.”
He responded, “You think that’s stupid? My wife has just gone on holiday. She’s taken six boxes of condoms and she hasn’t even got a cock!
When I started to suspect that my daughter was becoming mute I was embarrassed and hid her from the world.
For fifteen long years I kept her locked indoors, too ashamed to let anyone see her. Every night I wept as I saw her trying to speak but no sound would ever come from her mouth.
Finally last week I decided that something should be done. I summoned my courage, took her to the doctor’s, stormed into his surgery and demanded that he diagnose the problem.
Turns out I’m deaf.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen,
‘What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?’
I said, ‘Thank you, I’ll have chicken please’
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!’
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Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he’s mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I’ve named him Birmingham .
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I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, ‘That’s just for starters!’
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Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!’
Show bosses think she will do really well since she’s been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
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A man wanks into a bar.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve your typo in here”
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I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren’t receiving the medical treatment they need.
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I was in a nightclub last night when I bumped into Errol from work.
“Alright Errol?” I enquired.
“Yeah man, you?”
“Yeah. Don’t see many black fella’s in this place mate” I said.
“Bit racist is it?” he asked.
“Nah,” I said, “Just f*cking dark.”
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who goes through turnstyle sideways with hard-on going to Bangkok.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.
Man who jerk off into register come into money.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Better to park meat in girl than meet girl in park.
Baseball wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.
His dad is driving 8 year old Little Johnny home from school. While they are stopped at a traffic light, the son notices 2 dogs screwing on the lawn next to the car. “What are they doing?” asks Johnny.
“Uuuhhhh…..they…..are…..uh……..making a puppy” says Dad.
Johnny says, “OK,” and Dad is relieved he didn’t have to tell the birds and bees story yet.
The next Sunday morning, Johnny bursts into his parents bedroom while his parents are naked and Dad is on top of Mom. “What are you doing, Dad?” the boy asks. Dad thinks for a minute, then replies… “We are making a baby”
Little Johnny looks puzzled, then says “Well, shit, Dad, roll her over, I’d rather have a puppy!”
Little Johnny asks his Dad, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has badly soiled his nappy.
So Johnny goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, Little Johnny says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about”.
Johnny replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
One day, an African chief’s wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.
“You have been having sex with my wives,” he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable.
The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult situation explained Mendel’s laws of genetics to the wrathful black man.
“You see that herd of sheep,” he said pointing to the chief’s herd, “Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them.”
“OK! OK!” said the chief. “You keep your mouth shut and so will I.”
The third grade teacher was teaching English and told her class, “Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.” She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt, he stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes, and smelled her little…”
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
“Prose!” the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, “Asshole”.
Relief For A Stressful Day…
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.
There now. Feeling better?