A Few Jokes Jokes and humour for everyone

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

Well, now, not so fast,”said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.”You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,”said the cop, laughing.”OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays up.”

This was a personal ad in a US Newspaper:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb …… after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc…).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky .Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter. No other animal in the world does this. Johnny’s hand shoots up.

“Not correct Miss”, he says.

“Please explain Johnny”, asks the teacher.

“Well Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the stoop and the neighbour’s Great Dane came around the corner. The cat went ffffffffff, ffffffffffff, ffffffffff, and before he could say FUCK OFF the dog ate him.”

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.

“Oh dear,” said the Queen, “How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.”

“It’s quite understandable,” said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, “as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.”

What’s the difference between a social drinker and a binge drinker?
Marriage…
————
My new girlfriend is an architect.
Boy does she know how to make an entrance.
————
I’ve given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.
————
I went up to a chubby lass in the club and said,”You’ve dropped something.”
“Let me guess – your jaw,” she smirked.
“No,” I replied, “my standards. It’s ten minutes to closing time.”
————
I shagged a fit bird last night.
Ugly as f*ck but she couldn’t half run fast.
————
Lil’ Suzie was sitting in a barber shop, eating a Twinkie, while the barber cut her hair. The barber looked down and said, “Sweetheart, you’re getting hair on your Twinkie.” The Lil’ Suzie looked up with a big smile and said, “I know, and I’m getting tits too!
————
I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, “Sorry but I forgot what room I’m in.”
“No problem Sir, this is called the lobby.”
————
My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day.
It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

Why English is hard to learn:

* We polish the Polish furniture.
* He could lead if he would get the lead out.
* A farm can produce produce.
* The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
* The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
* The present is a good time to present the present.
* At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
* The dove dove into the bushes.
* I did not object to the object.
* The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
* The bandage was wound around the wound.
* There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
* They were too close to the door to close it.
* The buck does funny things when the does are present.
* They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
* Needing help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
* The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
* After a number of Novocaine injections, my jaw got number.
* I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
* I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
* How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
* I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it is his daughter’s birthday and that he hasn’t bought her a present.

Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it is now or never, he pulls into the parking lot. After a frantic search he finds a toy store. He goes inside and attracts the attention of a sales clerk.

When asked what he would like, he simply says, “a Barbie Doll.” The clerk looks at him in a condescending manner and asks “Which Barbie Doll would that be, sir?” The guys asks, “So, what ones have you got?”

The clerk replies, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

The man is puzzled, and asks “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all of the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?”

“That’s obvious!” says the clerk, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s dog…”

Two little kids were in a hospital and were lying next to each other. The first kid leans over and asked, “What are you in here for?” The second kid said, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid said, “You’ve got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a piece of cake!”

The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?”

The first kid responded, “Well, I’m here for a circumcision.”

The second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

One day Lil’ Johnny was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling, “YOU BITCH,” “YOU BASTARD.” Being so young, Johnny had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied, “Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen”.

Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room. He heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words “DICK and “CUNT” over and over and over. Again, Lil’ Johnny was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said, “Dick means coat and cunt means jackets.”

Once again Lil’ Johnny was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and he had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little too quick and ended up cutting himself, “SHIT!!!!!” he yelled. “What’s shit mean daddy?” Johnny asked. His father, stuck for an answer said, “it means shaving cream.” Lil’ Johnny did his “business” and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. “AW FUCK!!” she yelled. “What’s fuck mean mommy”, the boy asked. “It means stuffing the turkey.”

Finally, the guest arrived, Lil’ Johnny went to the door and said, “Hello bitchs and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dad’s in the bathroom putting shit on his face and mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”